Flashback.

 "You finally thought it through."

Where do i start? I dont know.

Do i really dont know or maybe I do but I just dont want to talk about it?
No idea too. 

The feeling of being hurt, the anger, the guilt are all easily brought back.

"It's simple actually, if people could walk away so easily, 

you probably don't mean anything to them from the start."

omo this hurt so much when i read it.

I've to admit that within the last few years, last few months, last few days,

I've had many people walking away from me, yet not once do i feel that i'm getting used to it.

I hate myself for caring too much, I hate myself for not being able to get over with any single shit even after such a long time. Even after such a long time, I'm still back to square one. Even after telling myself countless times its not worth it. Even though i know those people who walked away will never come back, i'm still stupidly waiting for them to be back in my life. I hate myself for that.

5 years ago, counting in this year; you was the reason why i believed that distance does not matters, now we're not even talking. 4 months ago, counting in this month; you was the only person that could give me enough courage to continue loving, now we're not even talking. 5 weeks ago, counting in this week; you was the person i believed and protected for the longest time, now we're not even talking. 

And the fact that only i am affected so badly by it makes me hate myself so much.

Whatever happened between us 5 years ago came into my mind yesterday, 

especially when i saw your brother and when i went up to the rooftop.

The rooftop was where we would always go to after school, 

writing our confessions on the white wall. Where we last meet up before you left.

Where we hugged each other so tight for the last time and cried hard.

Where we said that we will always be there for each other.

Now, you cant even remember my birthday.

Whatever happened between us 4 months ago came into my mind yesterday,
especially i saw our old conversations while clearing up my hard drive,
The conversations that mattered so much to me,
where our promises were made,

 what we told each other what we have in mind in the near future.

When those conversations were the things that made me smile so widely in the past.
Now, those are the reasons that despite how much effort i put in and did everything i could,
I'm still back to square one.

Whatever happened between us 5 weeks ago came into my mind yesterday,

especially when i was talking about you yesterday, 

When we both carried the heavy cardbox filled with goodies bag on the count of 3,
When we held each other hands tight while walking through the crowded area,
when we were crossing the road in fear that we would get lost. 

when everyone was saying bad things about you,
i believed in you.
Now, you proved to me that you turned out to be like what everyone says.

I probably dont mean much like how much i thought.
I probably am just one-sided.

Simply put, we're just strangers again.

The clock ticks, time passes and i feel the pressure everyday, "just get over it already."
Some days, I convince myself  that i'm 100 percent over it already.

Maybe it ended amicably, and maybe it didnt. Either way,
we gave up on each other,

we walked out of each other's lives. 

Maybe because of you 3, I realised that i've became so much more guarded.

The reasons why my walls are built so high, the reasons why it will take me longer than expected to bring them down. Made me realise that i'm no stranger to failure but it also made me more aware of all the things that can go wrong in one's life. For mistakenly invested my trust in those who took it for granted, and because of that disregard, i no longer hand that trust out so easily.

Life will bring hurt and pain, and people will disappoint you. People will change as they grow.To realise that at the end of the day, nobody will have the ability to break down my walls except for myself. To realise that, we will have to move on one day.