I Hope.

"The scariest thing about distance is that you don't know whether they'll miss you or forget you."

It's 9th of August 2016, and I'm here squeezing out some time to pour my feelings out on my blog as a diary becos i dont ever want to forget this feeling even though it wasn't a really favorable. But through this two months, I've learned to grow, I've learned to cry when i'm hurt, I've learned how to love myself more and I believe I still am trying to learn how to love myself more. Life is held together by the simplest of moments that evolve into a story of cherished memories. 

I  have no idea how do i start. Maybe around end-June? I started to close myself off. I don't know how to describe that feeling and that emptiness that i felt during that time. I remember going to school, even though my friends were nearby talking, laughing, i felt lonely. What's weird is that it wasn't becos i felt left out, nothing of that sort. I love my clique. But I felt very hopeless and helpless? I felt sick of communicating to people and felt very tired all the time. I didn't want to go anywhere, I didnt want to go out with my friends. I didn't want to skype my friends besides for work or studies-related. During that point of time, some things happened, and someone very precious to me left me. And that time what i felt was, "Wow, even you left when i was at one of the lowest point of time." 

I cant blame that person too, since she have no idea what was going on with me. I stopped eating as much as i did previously, I slept lesser than how i usually does. I started to dislike myself? I started to blame myself for all the negative things that could happen. I would wake up around 3am/4am in the morning and started crying. And I've never told anyone about this as i wanted to be independent for once to resolve my feelings. I have no idea what went wrong with me. I had no goals, I had nothing in mind for the next day like i used to have previously. It gets scary isn't it? I started to distance myself from even my close friends. Moving on, July became one of the worst months I've ever had in my life. There were submissions, papers, family problems, friendship problems, my own feelings. The more i started to close myself off from others. One day, I didn't know what i could do to improve anymore. I never felt happy no matter how much i laughed or smiled. I just had this cover on which i never had before. And I'm jotting down what i really felt during that time. No lies. Some of my close friends did notice that change in me, but i shrugged it off to give them a peace of mind and to take some time to myself. 

So i finally decided to seek help as i think i was getting worse in terms of how i feel. Again, I asked to meet Miss Lye, my all-time advisor. I asked her what was happening to me. She listened to me when i told her the run-down of events. She then told me that the "oil" to my fire was losing that someone who was precious to me. It was true. Becos what that someone did was to kick me out of her life completely, and it was when "my fire was burning." I guess friendships mean a lot to me, but it's my fault not knowing how to cherish every friendship and how to hold them close to me. Despite that and what happened with us if you are reading this, just know that i never meant to hurt you in any way. 

She always make sure to tell me the harsh truth, a sentence i will never forget.  

"That is a part of growing up, whether you like it or not, you have to know that you will lose friends, at the end of your adult life, you'll only be left with a few true friends that you can count with your two hands."

What was scary is, after that conversation. I started to seriously reflect on how many friends I've became distant with. Obviously I felt worse than even before i talk to her if you're wondering. But I didn't want to accept that fact at first. So it was always lingering on my mind. I guess what i did was I unknowingly created a distance? -due to my personal reasons, between everyone and i to see who will stay. My dearie, even though she seems like she knows something, she didnt ask me anything, she didnt ask me to do anything, but she quietly supported me which i felt was exactly what I needed during that period of time. After some time, I started to realise that priorities change, as life moves on, we gives up on friendships, we give up too easy. The friendship fades away. The conversations becomes painfully forced. 

After everything, I still feel the same. I then texted my best friend. 

"Are you free to talk?"
-10 mins later- 

*CALL FROM PEABRAIN* 

I started to tear, and picked up. I tried to stop myself from letting him hear the sneeze.
"How are you? Are you okay? I'm still in camp but i got worried." 

"Nah, I'm fine i just wanted to talk to you. My mum also asked about you a few days before so i thought i would check up on you."

Note: We dont talk everyday, even talking once a week would be good enough due to his busy schedule. 

"Oh i see, Help me say hi to her! I'm fine, but busy as usual. But hey I need to go get something at the largest popular where is that? "Will you be my gps again?""

I laughed then said I will accompany him that weekend. That's how our call ended, but what that call brought me was a really heart-warming smile on my face. 

We went out that weekend together to get some errands done, we met at Bras Basah. But we walked from Bras Basah to Bugis then to Lavender, then back to Bugis. We laughed, we talked on the way. I felt so carefree and time passed too fast with him. We played the "Noodles or Rice? 1..2..3, Noodles! Rice!" Our answers were opposites of each other.

"We are so different from each other, yet we compliment each other so perfectly." 

I told everything to him. He then said this, "Take some time off for yourself. I'll be always here." Words doesn't really prove everything to me so i shrugged it off. But what he did was to affirm my doubts, he said some things that really made/force me trust him on that. At that point of time, I knew he will always be that special puzzle that i need in my life. Even if all leaves, he will be that ONE that stays like what Miss Lye had said. I love the fact that our friendship is based on trust, even if there was distance between us, we will miss each other instead of forgetting each other. 

I then reflected that night, it's funny how me and a few friends just cut each other off from our lives even though we were once close. I would sit there wondering what really went wrong. It was probably something small, something big. But we brushed it under our carpet, and becos of that sometimes, costs us our best of friends. 

I'm never the type to handle friendships really well.

But to all those friendships that i forged with some of them, it will still remain at the corner of my heart despite how we ended. I'm saying this sincerely. Again, to those close friends which had turned to memories, I hope someday we will get to share more of our lives than just exchanging glances. I hope that we are able to grab a cup of Starbucks and spend the whole afternoon laughing at each other's stories becos we didn't realise how good a cup of Starbucks would taste until we had it with each other. I hope someday we get to spend time instead of wasting it. But for now, meant us to be hi-bye strangers.  For now, I'm just glad to have bumped into "you" for the smallest time we passed by each other, even if it was a small bump and shaped a dent in me. A dent that I wouldn't be able to easily forget. 

Someday when everything else is well, when we are ready once again. Then we will meet again. And when that someday comes, I sincerely and wholeheartly hope that there will be room for us. 

Signing off.