Hating someone is really exhausting.



Hmm. Where do i start? I think it was on Monday after SS paper, i received a text from my favourite teacher in the whole wide world, Miss Lye Jee Lee. She asked me if i had finished all my papers, my last paper was today, therefore i told her i was able to make it today for lunch with her. Since its been long ever since i had a heart to heart talk with anyone else. Many emotions was just bottled up inside of me. Even though i may sound shameless, but im proud of myself that i could smile and be strong despite everything that was happening around me that no one knows. Always during my important phase of my life, there would be such events happening. Its depressing. Blogging has became my journal. A life journal that i would always read back in the future.

Was surprised that not one, not two, not three but many actually bookmarked my blog url & asked me what happened. I really appreciate all the efforts of reading my blog, although it might not contain as much jovial-ness like in the previous posts. Went out to GWC for lunch with Miss Lye, sat down at Ichiban Boshi since she was craving for some japanese food. We talked for two hours or so. Every single time i have a heart to heart talk with her, i would feel very down honestly, Because she seems to be the only one who notices everything that i was not able to show it out to everyone else. She would always bring my walls down. She asked me about my feelings, at first i was trying my best to cover up with a mask on my face, telling her i couldn't be bothered. Thats my answer for everyone else. When my love for that someone was going to soon turn to hatred, she appeared. Telling me that hating that someone won't help the situation, even though its the best way out; but its very exhausting. Yes, it definitely was exhausting. I was battling with that hatred inside of me, every minute of my life.

 Every time i see the keychain on my bag, i would ask myself. Where did we go? At the end, she was right. What i feel about that someone doesn't matter, whether it was disappointment/anger/pity. Its what i am going to do and whether i would still lend a helping hand. Honestly saying, I'm not ready. I'm the type of person that goes by my principles. That someone had crossed my limit and my principles. It is going to take me some time to accept that fact. Miss Lye then asked me what i am going to do, I replied her saying, "I'll wait. Time will heal." She gave me a smirk & then said, its a lie. Much more emotions then started to bottle up inside of me, pissed, upset, dilemma, lots and lots of it. I sat at the bus stop for half an hour, thinking and reflecting on myself. I would say that i was more to pissed and upset with myself, because i've actually misunderstood the situation and just pushed the blame to that someone. Avoiding the whole situation because of my selfish-ness, not caring about how that person might be feeling or going through. What went wrong?
I'm sorry for thinking that way. I'm sorry for thinking that you no longer care about me. I'm sorry for giving up on you. I'm sorry for leaving you when you needed someone most. How different am i from other people then? I'm sorry for not knowing or trusting you enough to know how much you loved me. I'm sorry for being so selfish, always thinking that whatever i does is the best for you when in the end, its not.


But today i was all along in a good mood till that talk with Miss Lye, kekeke. Cos' yknow why? Have i mentioned who my crush is all along? HERE. Mr TanSoonYong. My type of guy. okay he's married................... HAHAHAHA, But who cares?
JUST LOOK AT HIS SMILE.
who can resist? tell me tell me nowwww.


Another reason why i was in a good mood? I went back to dance studio.
Like the dance studio where my tears, pain, blood, sweat was. HAHA
But of course to also see my lovable girls.
I have the sweetest juniors, ever.
Welcomed me like no'one else.
Proud to have lead you group of girls.
Keep it up my sweethearts.

Lastly, i had my happypill every minute of today with me.
You should know by the way i address her, Happypill.
There wont be anytime that i ain't happy when im with her.
Though she was upset due to her ahem ahem,
but stayed with her to wait for a 26 minutes bus.
Talked a lot, confided in her. She confided in me.
It was definitely enough to have her by my side.


Will be blogging more often,
lights out ellen. :)



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